Well, hello again.
You may have noticed that I've been away for a while. I'm back now, and I have a lot to say about my growth and the choices I've made during this period of rest.
First, a quick update: I have my Bachelor's in public health now. I moved back to my small New England hometown. I got my first job. I then got a promotion at my first job. I bought my first car. My long-term relationship changed. I began getting trained as a registered yoga teacher.
Here I am, unfiltered and un-Facetuned, with sweaty hair and bad form, on some rocks:
Anyway, back to the actual juicy stuff about the hiatus:
I've always had a really strange relationship with my body and my health. My body causes me a lot of anxiety, and my mental and physical health are deeply intertwined. You know what else is deeply intertwined with health? Social media.
As a feminist and an activist, I long considered myself "body-positive," not really understanding that body positivity was made by and for fat women - a category of women that my size 10 body did not fit into. But my brain didn't make that connection."I've gained weight in recent years, and I love my body," I convinced myself and anyone who would listen. "Look at me, listen to me talk about my health journey and how I've come to love myself. Read my blog posts about vaginal health. Smash stigma with me."
This was not real self-love. As I followed other influencers, especially on Instagram, I noticed them doing things like keto, Whole30, paleo, vegan, and (insert every exercise class under the sun). They presented as healthy and happy! They talked about self-love. I wanted to feel that too.
It wasn't until I was drinking a "bulletproof matcha" (which I literally wrote a blog post on how to make) and talking to my friend that I heard the term "orthorexia" from her - she is a young woman who is pursuing her Master's in psychology. Suddenly, I was flooded with feelings. Understanding. Shame. Self-judgement.
My work on this platform has often been diet-culturey. And I want to apologize for that and say that, though this is no excuse, I have not been in a healthy headspace the last year. My body has been changing. My stress levels and health have been all over the place.
And I took to this platform to write about how ghee might make me feel better, because god, I hoped that it would. But ghee didn't help me. Neither did matcha or bone broth. Neither did cutting carbs. Neither did waking up early for a yoga practice. What has helped me so far is realizing this:
As long as I, either outwardly or internally, have the intent or desire to change my body - my health practices are disordered.
I could not continue to preach about my health journey when I was so mentally unwell. I felt fake. I was making myself sick.
Now, I am not saying "Ok, but I can preach about it now, because I'm better!" Definitely not. What I am saying is that I want to be more real with you all. I want to stop preaching altogether. I want to get to a point where I know that I have had an unhealthy relationship with food/exercise/health, and I am starting to work consciously on unpacking it. Eating whatever I want. Moving how I want. No longer silently judging my body, or any body. And writing about "wellness" like I used to - carefree, informed, unbiased, and properly researched.
Oh - and I'm leaving all of my problematic posts up for the foreseeable future - for accountability and stuff.
I ask that you be patient with me, as I try to practice patience with myself.
Thank you. Xx
You may have noticed that I've been away for a while. I'm back now, and I have a lot to say about my growth and the choices I've made during this period of rest.
First, a quick update: I have my Bachelor's in public health now. I moved back to my small New England hometown. I got my first job. I then got a promotion at my first job. I bought my first car. My long-term relationship changed. I began getting trained as a registered yoga teacher.
Here I am, unfiltered and un-Facetuned, with sweaty hair and bad form, on some rocks:
Anyway, back to the actual juicy stuff about the hiatus:
I've always had a really strange relationship with my body and my health. My body causes me a lot of anxiety, and my mental and physical health are deeply intertwined. You know what else is deeply intertwined with health? Social media.
As a feminist and an activist, I long considered myself "body-positive," not really understanding that body positivity was made by and for fat women - a category of women that my size 10 body did not fit into. But my brain didn't make that connection."I've gained weight in recent years, and I love my body," I convinced myself and anyone who would listen. "Look at me, listen to me talk about my health journey and how I've come to love myself. Read my blog posts about vaginal health. Smash stigma with me."
This was not real self-love. As I followed other influencers, especially on Instagram, I noticed them doing things like keto, Whole30, paleo, vegan, and (insert every exercise class under the sun). They presented as healthy and happy! They talked about self-love. I wanted to feel that too.
It wasn't until I was drinking a "bulletproof matcha" (which I literally wrote a blog post on how to make) and talking to my friend that I heard the term "orthorexia" from her - she is a young woman who is pursuing her Master's in psychology. Suddenly, I was flooded with feelings. Understanding. Shame. Self-judgement.
My work on this platform has often been diet-culturey. And I want to apologize for that and say that, though this is no excuse, I have not been in a healthy headspace the last year. My body has been changing. My stress levels and health have been all over the place.
And I took to this platform to write about how ghee might make me feel better, because god, I hoped that it would. But ghee didn't help me. Neither did matcha or bone broth. Neither did cutting carbs. Neither did waking up early for a yoga practice. What has helped me so far is realizing this:
As long as I, either outwardly or internally, have the intent or desire to change my body - my health practices are disordered.
I could not continue to preach about my health journey when I was so mentally unwell. I felt fake. I was making myself sick.
Now, I am not saying "Ok, but I can preach about it now, because I'm better!" Definitely not. What I am saying is that I want to be more real with you all. I want to stop preaching altogether. I want to get to a point where I know that I have had an unhealthy relationship with food/exercise/health, and I am starting to work consciously on unpacking it. Eating whatever I want. Moving how I want. No longer silently judging my body, or any body. And writing about "wellness" like I used to - carefree, informed, unbiased, and properly researched.
Oh - and I'm leaving all of my problematic posts up for the foreseeable future - for accountability and stuff.
I ask that you be patient with me, as I try to practice patience with myself.
Thank you. Xx
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