Putting Garlic Where?! Yeast Infection Cure

Brace yourselves beans, because this is a weird one.

We've all been there -- the itching, burning, gross clumpy white discharge, sometimes even swelling and redness of the outside of the vagina. Sound familiar?
Yeast infections: candida albicans.  There's a fungus among us.

That's right, yeastie beasties are NOT an STI, nor are they a bacterial infection. They're a fungus. (Yuck.)
You can get them from your partner, especially if your partner also has a vagina (or an uncircumcised ding-a-ling). But usually, they're caused by one of the following:

1. Too much crap upsetting your vaginal pH. Semen, douches, certain soaps, and even factors like diet and exercise can contribute.
2. Sitting in a wet bathing suit or sweaty panties, or taking too many baths. Believe it or not, your vajayjay isn't a fan of lots of water. The natural pH of the vag is around 3.5, which is pretty acidic, and water's pH is around 7 (which is neutral.)
3. Antibiotics. They kill all bacteria, both good and bad, leaving your vag to fend for itself and overproduce yeast.
4. I hate to say it, but eating  too much sugar can play a role. :'( Now, I'm not one to diet-shame. A major part of body positivity is eating whatever the fuck you want. However, too much sugar can feed the candida bacteria that grows yeast.
5. What's even worse is certain lubricants, especially flavored ones, can contain glycerin (which is basically just sugar.) So before you pick up that K-Y jelly, make sure it doesn't have any glycerin in it, because you DON'T want to just be squirting pure sugary lube up inside yourself. Talk about a recipe for disaster.

So what do you do? Especially if you've had one before. This isn't your first rodeo. You don't want to go back to the doctor and get another prescribed antibacterial drug, because those suck. And you don't want to go spend another $20 on Monistat or other over-the-counter creams. So, if you're anything like me, you turn to Google.
And oh, boy, does Google have some information for you.

Douching with apple cider vinegar. Hydrogen peroxide. Eat a lot of greek yogurt. Shove some greek yogurt up inside your vagina.  It's touch and go, because you never know what works for specific bodies, and also not every yeast infection is just a yeast infection. It could be bacterial vaginosis or a sexually transmitted disease, or it could be a combination of two of more! In fact, a lot of people get B.V. and yeast simultaneously.

So, first step: figure out if it's just a yeast infection. If that's what it is, then this 'miracle cure' will actually work. *Drumroll*

It's garlic! Garlic is the cure. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm all about that earthy-crunchy good stuff. So: one way to get the anti-microbial properties of garlic into your system is to swallow it raw. Not a whole clove, don't be crazy. I like to cut my garlic cloves into thirds and swallow a third three times a day with a big glass of almondmilk or kefir (this helps to cut the sharpness of the garlic.) BUT. 
If you want the healing power of this a strong-smelling, pungent-tasting bulb delivered straight to the source, why not cut out the middleman and just pop a clove up into your vagina? That's right folks.
Garlic. Tampon.

Basically, what you want to do is take a peeled clove of garlic and make sure it's been pierced a few times with a fork. This way, the juices can really ooze out of it. Then, you can just pop it in there. But if you're like me, and paranoid about struggling to remove it, then you can just take a needle and thread and basically make a real garlic tampon by threading it through and tying a knot at the top of the garlic. This way, the thread will hang out of the vagina just like a tampon would and you can pull it out with ease.

It's great to do this at bedtime, because the garlic is less likely to misbehave (and by that I mean rotate or slip out.)